Power and those who take it from others.

 A friend wrote on her blog about reclaiming her personal power. After reading it, I decided that this was a good subject for me as well, as many people feel powerless around the holidays.

 I too was powerless for much of my life. My mother's power taking usually went along the lines of personal attacks against my appearance. I wasn't the wispy blond she wanted. (I come from peasant stock, no way I would ever be 'wispy') so she spent my adolescence and early adulthood saying things like "You'd be so pretty is you weren't fat", and my all time favorite "How do you get such good looking boyfriends, you're so fat and not pretty!" When I was an adult, she tried things like "You went outside wearing THAT??" This from a huge titted half Italian who wore stretch pants and a tube top in her 60's, making her breasts  look like two watermelons in a hammock. 

 My father's was either physical threats, or things like "I'm so disappointed you didn't go to teaching/nursing school, you'll never amount to anything." He was a beater, and would do things like jerk us out of the chair by the hair and throw us to the floor at the dinner table if we talked or laughed. He was a hugely strong man and loved slapping, that was one of his favorite responses to the questioning of anything he said.

 Of course I married too young, and the ex is an abuser. His favorite was "If you do/don't do this, I'll divorce you!" I was partially disabled at this point, and knew I couldn't support myself, so I always gave in.

 I moved away from small town Texas to the big city, liberal Austin, and I began to get better. And then, after going to the very first Festival of the Goddess and meeting many abused women who had broken out of their own bad situations, I began to reclaim my power. Interestingly enough, when I stopped letting others take my power, and started saying 'NO' to them, I was suddenly a huge bitch, and the power thieves tried a new tactic, "Oh, you are SUCH a bitch, no one likes you!" As time went on, and I began to question others, I found that these were total lies spread by the power thieves to make it easier to regain control of my power. They needed to keep me off balance and cut off from any support that might be helping me get better.

 The beginning break came from a wonderful psychologist, Dr. Sunny Lansdale. She was the one who showed me that this was abuse, and helped me to break out of the patterns of abuse I had been locked in for so long. I started going to her because my ex had told me that if I didn't agree to a polyamourous lifestyle, he would leave me. (His usual threat.) So of course I agreed. Since I'm bi, he immediately started approaching women. The entire thing backfired, because the other women would be with us, then they would tell him they weren't interested in him, just me. (Things that make you go hhhmmm....) Because of this and other things, the ex insisted I go to a shrink, because I was 'so fucked up' I couldn't be in a group relationship. When he insisted I tell him what went on in session, and I finally did, and all of a sudden, this doc was a quack, and if I didn't quit seeing her, he'd divorce me. I was able to break from the ex after much pain and suffering, and the support of a friend who later became my loving husband.

 Now when I feel someone is a psychic vampire, and trying to take my power and energy, I cut them off. No talking about it, no trying to work through it, just cut off. Gone. These people can not be talked to or reasoned with. So this makes me come off as a cold hearted bitch. I do not give them the satisfaction of a huge dramatic blowup, that's what they want. I just become quietly unavailable, not returning calls or texts/emails, too busy to 'get together'. Having a huge dust up will only give them more of my power, and make me feel bad.

 I no longer need these fucked up people in my life. All too often, when I meet someone new, after I get to know them, I realize they are huge power vampires. Some do it on purpose, some do it to fill their own need for power they have lost to others. Whatever their reasons, I cut them off, because being involved with someone like that is too much effort. I can maintain my distance for a while, and not get sucked into their personal drama, but like swimming against the current, I will finally become exhausted with the effort, and dump them. And they seldom seem to notice until it is way too late. Learning to staying emotionally detached has saved my own sanity more times than I can count. I have few 'real' friends, but those that I do have are truly my friends, and we help each other out without thinking about it. Power thieves only help others because it gives them power over the other person. "I helped you, you OWE me!"

 Being an Aspie, I have problems expressing emotions in a way 'neuro-typicals' can understand. I often get accused of being cold and unemotional. Nothing could be further from the truth. If I allow my emotions to get out of hand, bad things happen, like the situation with the husband's ex girlfriend. I didn't really mean to write those horrible things about how she looked, but I was overwrought and in pain, and lashed out to hurt her as much as she had hurt me. She did totally deserve it, but the cost to my own well being was immense, and it has taken me a long time to  recover from it. So if it means that I look like a total bitch by no longer allowing these people to take my power, so be it. I have wasted too much of my life powerless, and I am in control now. I might lose it for a brief time, but I WILL regain it, and go on with my life.