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The 2012 Yule/Xmas holidays are coming to a close. The older I get, the more anticlimactic the whole thing is to me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy giving and receiving presents, and visiting with friends, but the holiday doesn't hold the excitement it used to. Maybe in years future when there might be grandkiddlies.
Things will be a bit different in the bakery in the upcoming year. I just am not in a good location for walk-in traffic, Americans are too conditioned to going to a big glass and steel waste of resources to get their baked goods, I think the house thing is scaring them off, so I will be closing the 'storefront'. Another issue I ran into regularly was people placing orders, and then never picking them up. Oh, they always have a good reason why they didn't make it, but what they fail to realize is that when they don't pick up their order, they have wasted not only my time, but the ingredients that went into making said items. Usually they don't go to waste, either we eat them or give them away, but it is still a HUGE pain and very inconsiderate for people to do that. So, I will be using Etsy or another online medium from now on, where the customer has to order and place a non-refundable deposit before the order will be prepared.
Something else I will be working on is more things for my Etsy shop. As I age, and become less mobile due to the massive amount of structural damage I have suffered over the decades, I know my time in the bakery will be limited, and I will need something else to occupy my time, and bring in a little moolah. I have tubs and tubs of stuff I have saved for many years to use in art/craft projects, time to get those cleaned out.
S has been thinking about returning to school and getting his bachelor's. Turns out, an associate in networking is pretty much worthless, and no one will even consider hiring him with just a 2 yr degree and no experience. And since his job pays full tuition and books, might as well take advantage of it.
I will be giving up texting on my cellphone this coming year, ATT no longer offers free texting with the employee package, and since someone I used to associate with kept texted me even AFTER I told them repeatedly that I had limited texting, I had S add the text package. Turns out I can't get the free texting back now as it was grandfathered in, so I will no longer have a texting package on my phone, only a pay-per-text option, as I no longer need unlimited texting. I am really pissed about this, I fucking HATE people who do not understand boundaries, things like NO and STOP, and have no respect for others.
2012 was an ok year, I'm hoping that 2013 will be a good/great one. Only time will tell!
A friend wrote on her blog about reclaiming her personal power. After reading it, I decided that this was a good subject for me as well, as many people feel powerless around the holidays.
I too was powerless for much of my life. My mother's power taking usually went along the lines of personal attacks against my appearance. I wasn't the wispy blond she wanted. (I come from peasant stock, no way I would ever be 'wispy') so she spent my adolescence and early adulthood saying things like "You'd be so pretty is you weren't fat", and my all time favorite "How do you get such good looking boyfriends, you're so fat and not pretty!" When I was an adult, she tried things like "You went outside wearing THAT??" This from a huge titted half Italian who wore stretch pants and a tube top in her 60's, making her breasts look like two watermelons in a hammock.
My father's was either physical threats, or things like "I'm so disappointed you didn't go to teaching/nursing school, you'll never amount to anything." He was a beater, and would do things like jerk us out of the chair by the hair and throw us to the floor at the dinner table if we talked or laughed. He was a hugely strong man and loved slapping, that was one of his favorite responses to the questioning of anything he said.
Of course I married too young, and the ex is an abuser. His favorite was "If you do/don't do this, I'll divorce you!" I was partially disabled at this point, and knew I couldn't support myself, so I always gave in.
I moved away from small town Texas to the big city, liberal Austin, and I began to get better. And then, after going to the very first Festival of the Goddess and meeting many abused women who had broken out of their own bad situations, I began to reclaim my power. Interestingly enough, when I stopped letting others take my power, and started saying 'NO' to them, I was suddenly a huge bitch, and the power thieves tried a new tactic, "Oh, you are SUCH a bitch, no one likes you!" As time went on, and I began to question others, I found that these were total lies spread by the power thieves to make it easier to regain control of my power. They needed to keep me off balance and cut off from any support that might be helping me get better.
The beginning break came from a wonderful psychologist, Dr. Sunny Lansdale. She was the one who showed me that this was abuse, and helped me to break out of the patterns of abuse I had been locked in for so long. I started going to her because my ex had told me that if I didn't agree to a polyamourous lifestyle, he would leave me. (His usual threat.) So of course I agreed. Since I'm bi, he immediately started approaching women. The entire thing backfired, because the other women would be with us, then they would tell him they weren't interested in him, just me. (Things that make you go hhhmmm....) Because of this and other things, the ex insisted I go to a shrink, because I was 'so fucked up' I couldn't be in a group relationship. When he insisted I tell him what went on in session, and I finally did, and all of a sudden, this doc was a quack, and if I didn't quit seeing her, he'd divorce me. I was able to break from the ex after much pain and suffering, and the support of a friend who later became my loving husband.
Now when I feel someone is a psychic vampire, and trying to take my power and energy, I cut them off. No talking about it, no trying to work through it, just cut off. Gone. These people can not be talked to or reasoned with. So this makes me come off as a cold hearted bitch. I do not give them the satisfaction of a huge dramatic blowup, that's what they want. I just become quietly unavailable, not returning calls or texts/emails, too busy to 'get together'. Having a huge dust up will only give them more of my power, and make me feel bad.
I no longer need these fucked up people in my life. All too often, when I meet someone new, after I get to know them, I realize they are huge power vampires. Some do it on purpose, some do it to fill their own need for power they have lost to others. Whatever their reasons, I cut them off, because being involved with someone like that is too much effort. I can maintain my distance for a while, and not get sucked into their personal drama, but like swimming against the current, I will finally become exhausted with the effort, and dump them. And they seldom seem to notice until it is way too late. Learning to staying emotionally detached has saved my own sanity more times than I can count. I have few 'real' friends, but those that I do have are truly my friends, and we help each other out without thinking about it. Power thieves only help others because it gives them power over the other person. "I helped you, you OWE me!"
Being an Aspie, I have problems expressing emotions in a way 'neuro-typicals' can understand. I often get accused of being cold and unemotional. Nothing could be further from the truth. If I allow my emotions to get out of hand, bad things happen, like the situation with the husband's ex girlfriend. I didn't really mean to write those horrible things about how she looked, but I was overwrought and in pain, and lashed out to hurt her as much as she had hurt me. She did totally deserve it, but the cost to my own well being was immense, and it has taken me a long time to recover from it. So if it means that I look like a total bitch by no longer allowing these people to take my power, so be it. I have wasted too much of my life powerless, and I am in control now. I might lose it for a brief time, but I WILL regain it, and go on with my life.
The shooting in Conn. was horrible. No denying that. But that is not what I want to expound on here today.
The anti-gun people are burning up the Internet with their screams of gun control. Speaking as someone with SEVEN law enforcement officers in the family, I am against gun control. Criminals will have NO issues getting guns in a gun controlled society. Allowing the government to take away one of the civil liberties set in our CONSTITUTION is not going to solve anything, only create worse issues. Banning something does not mean it will be out of reach, that worked SO well for drugs, didn't it?
The FIRST thing a Socialist or Communist government does is take away an individual's ability to protect themselves. They claim that the government is there to protect you. Nothing could be further from the truth. Ask the relatives of people in Tibet just how well the 'government' takes care of them. (Communist China, for those of you who failed history.)
I have made it a point to not comment on anti-gun posts on FB. I have also made it a point to NOT post anything about the shooting. Let the family members of the slain mourn in peace, without having the pictures splashed on every damn FB post, newspaper, t.v. station and everywhere else you turn.
I will NEVER agree that gun control is a good idea. So don't bother posting statisics (Lies, damn lies and statisics), or your own opinion on the matter. Any comments will be deleted. I am not interested in hearing your point of view, I most likely already know what it is. To quote the great late Richard Pryor, "You done landed on Mr. Gilmore's property now!" You will not change my mind, any more than I will change yours.
That is all.
Here we are at yet another holiday season. My son is 16 now, and being a gamer geek, really doesn't want much except a new graphics card so he'll get better framerate on WoW. The husband isn't much better, they are both pretty low maintenance.
Sometimes I miss the holiday gatherings my family had when I was a child. I had no idea then that most of my family hated each other, and as my oldest sister likes to say "When our family gets together, there's gonna be a cuttin' or a shootin'." I remember one year waking up in the wee hours to find my brother home from the Navy, making coffee in the kitchen before anyone else was up. Another year, my new brother-in-law and I bought each other inflatable lightsabers, and had a fight in the front yard after dinner.
When I was a teen, I had friends who were a second family to me, and I spent the most wonderful Xmas Eves at their house, eating things like venison roast and tabouli. We would start at 9ish, open presents, and eat into the late hours, simply talking and enjoying each other's company.
I moved to Austin, and since traveling is pretty much torture to me, didn't go back 'home' for the holidays except for a couple of times. My family came to Austin a couple of time as well, and it was usually an ok time, but there was always that undercurrent of strain, that everyone was trying too hard to make it a good time.
When my son was born, the first Xmases were fun, buying toys and things. The older he got, the less he wanted much more than computer stuff, so the fun kinda went out of shopping. My parents are gone for several years now, my brother deceased since '91. My sisters have their own family gatherings now with their families. My husband and i spend a quiet holiday these days, little to no stress, and really not much different from a regular weekend. Sometimes I do want the big group holiday, but then I remember the hassle, the fighting that resulted in people not speaking for half the year, and I think I would rather stick with my small quiet holidays!
So, after a week of laying out, I'm back to the exercise. Yoga today. I have been doing yoga on and off since I was 14, when my brother came back from California in '78 with all these 'wild hippy ideas', as our father called them.
Back in 2000, there was a show on t.v. called Inhale with Steve Ross. My ex referred to it as 'nazi yoga'. Definitely not for beginners. A great workout tho, doing an hour of that daily plus 2 hours of walking (Had to work up to that) plus extreme stress of a toddler and an emotionally abusive cheating spouse was how I lost 120 pounds. Not something I want to do again. The cheating spouse stress, not the weight loss.
So as I'm closing in on 50, I have realized that because of the massive injuries I have sustained over the decades from the stupid things like motorcycles, rock climbing, etc., I will have to exercise at least 5 days a week. I'm not giving up food, that's a bad idea, and leads to binge eating. Cutting portions and regular exercise works for me. My sister, on the other hand, can exercise 4 hours a day and eat 500 calories, and still not lose more than a pound or two and that's it. I keep telling her to go get a thyroid test.
So today was yoga for the first time in a while. (Not telling how long!) I'm already feeling the effects from just 15 minutes. This week will be yoga all week. Steve Ross never did put out the dvd he promised us years ago, instead he decided to go with a line of Maha Yoga apparel. Bah. But I did find many Inhale clips on YouTube, so I will be working my way back to the torture yoga soon enough!
There is a lovely woman here in Austin named Abby Lentz who does Heavyweight Yoga for the large person. I looked into her dvd, but from the reviews, it is way too slow and basic for me. I might try one of her more advanced classes is I ever get a few $$ to blow. The first class is free, so i will definitely take time out to go and check her out.
Some of my weight is due to lifestyle/eating habits. I love me some bacon cheeseburgers, pizza, donuts, all those things that are not good for you. Being a chef, I don't eat much in the way of processed foods, and less so as more and more research on long term chemical ingestion the the toxic waste they put in processed foods comes to light. Some of my weight is due to genetics. My mother was half Italian and half German. I have a few pictures and an old tintype of my German grandmother, who died when my mother was 14, and she was a square hefty woman, even as a young girl. I don't mind being square, in fact my shape and size gives me an advantage in many situations, but I'm about tired of the gut that showed up when i regained 70 of the 120 pounds. It is sloooowly going away, and I know I will have to treat this like a lifelong condition/disease, there will be no quick fix, it will be something I will have to manage on a daily basis. So to the yoga mat!
We live where two of the major freeways that run through Austin, 183 and MoPac, cross each other. We are right under the X. There is constant traffic noise, like a dull hissing roar, in the background constantly. Early Sunday mornings are the only time that it is quasi quiet. I like to sit out on the patio and just chill on Sunday mornings.
That all came to a halt a couple of months ago. The old couple next door passed away, leaving their grown son in possession of the house. He wasn't able to keep up with it, so his older brother and the brother's friend moved in. With 3 LOUD yapping swiffers, otherwise known as Pomeranians.
We had started building the new hot tub area out back close to their side of the yard before they moved in. I'm wondering if we might not ought to move it elsewhere, there will be no way that we will be able to enjoy a quiet soak with the constant yapyapyapyap coming from the next yard. Unfortunately, that side is where the only outdoor electric outlet is, out in the middle of the yard, where our swimming pool used to be. We have already put up a new stretch of privacy fence around the tub/outdoor area, but that will not stop the constant dog harassment noise. I try to maintain a cordial relationship with the neighbors, it is hell living with assholes next door, as I know all too well from experience. I have tried explaining to the guys that we do not have CHCA, and keep our windows open most of the year. They let the dogs out at 5 a.m., and the dogs run to our fence and bark. Sometimes for 15 solid minutes. I have explained that my husband works nights, that this is not cool. They agreed, and the dogs now get let out at 5:15. To bark for loooong minutes, shrill constant yaps.
I love living in a city. There is any and everything one might need, or want to do here. I also love the anonymity of living in the city. I grew up in a small town, and hated being constantly watched, with every word and action duly reported to my parents, even long after I had become an adult. But the downside to living in the city is the neighbors being all around, and right up on you. We do have a nice size lot and a large (for a city property) back yard. But what good is a nice yard if you can't use it because of constant harassment? From what the neighbor guys have told me, they get a new swiffer every time one dies. So no hope that the dogs will die off and the next ones be more quiet.
I don't want to make enemies of these guys, as they will all be living here until they die, since they are all non-dating gay men. The oldest brother is planning on moving back in fairly soon (also gay, this family had 4 boys, 3 of which turned out gay.). I guess I should be thankful that it is a house full of gay men, if it was a family with a bunch of kids, I think I would have to move. I can not stand the shrill voices of children. I like children just fine, but I have raised mine, and helped raise many of the nieces and nephews, and am done with dealing with little children on a daily basis.
My oldest sister came a few months back to tour Sun City in Georgetown, and I went with her. While I love the idea of an adult-only community, I did not like the cookie cutter houses, and the way restrictive community rules. I'm thinking that maybe the motorhome community have the right idea, live in a mobile house, and then if you don't like the neighbors, simply drive to somewhere else. The downside is that then I wouldn't have a hot tub. Ah well, there's always a trade off. We'll see how things are after W finishes college and gets a job, we might just give him this house and move elsewhere. That's a few years down the road however, so in the meantime, we'll have to keep the waterhose close at hand.
