Monday, May 6, 2013

A Life Apart

 This weekend was good, work on Friday and Saturday, and a bit of rest on Sunday. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing old friends, and newer friends, and the little ones. Watching little girls meet a bouncy little dog who loves children is always fun. I have more work lined up for next weekend as well, which is always a good thing.

 Working alone gives me much time to think about things. As both an Aspie and a Shaman, I am pretty much set apart from society as a whole. As an Aspie, it is hard for me to go into places with large groups of people, and interacting with new people is a HUGE strain. Since my filters are not the best, I do tend to say things that non-Aspies find anywhere from a bit 'off' to downright disturbing. It goes both ways as well, I can not deal with people who are too far left or right, while I support things in both camps, I'll never be all in with either. If I go out to an event, especially a scheduled event, it is something I REALLY want to do. Some of you know what a huge deal it was for me to go to the Steampunk gatherings. One thing that helped with that is it is held in my neighborhood, so I didn't have to drive any distance. Having someone I was supposed to meet helped as well, altho that poses its own anxiety issues.

 When I meet someone, I have an internal list of good and bad points. As I get to know them, I add things to each list. If the good points outweigh or balance the bad ones, that's good, but when the bad point side is longer, or there is something on my bad point side that I cannot deal with/agree with, then they have to go. It is simply a matter of non-compatibility. Sometimes this takes a long time, years in some cases. In the past, I would try to hang on to a bad match simply because I was lonely, and I had been told that I was 'supposed' to. As I grew older, I realized that it was horribly bad for me to try to hang on to relationships that made me upset on a regular basis. I learned to not get too involved with other people, to not get drawn into their BS and drama. Unfortunately other people don't, and tend to get attached, and I really do not want to hurt their feelings, I simply do not want to hang out with them any more. I don't want a big blow up, I just want to ease away, and if I run into them in public, I would like to be cordial and polite, and not have to avoid somewhere because they might be there and it would cause emotional turmoil I do not have the energy to deal with.

 On the religious side, I am set apart even more. Most Pagans, especially Wiccans, tend to be garrulous, extremely social, and very cliquish. Shamans, by our nature, tend to be solitary. We would rather be the only practitioner in any given group, unlike other Pagans who prefer to all be involved. Most Shamans only take students when there is dire need, and we would rather not be bothered with it at all. Shamans also attract people who span the range of 'not quite balanced' all the way to 'bat-shit crazy'. Shamans are grounded, and those who are not are drawn to us like moths to flame, maybe because they feel that we can help them. In some cases, we can. In most however, we are drawn into their maelstrom of drama, and extricating oneself is extremely painful for all parties involved.

 Being very different from most of the rest of society makes it extremely hard to find people that can understand and deal with the differences. Even some of my own siblings can't grasp it. This makes for a lonely existence. But I have learned that there are worse things than being lonely. I am lucky that I found a mate who not only understands, but loves me unconditionally, and knows that this is simply a part of who I am, and not something 'wrong' with me. That is a very rare thing, in any universe.