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The wood fired hot tub was an awesome idea, not so much in practice. After much debate, we decided to sell it. Today it went off to its new home in a clan camp at Sherwood Forest Renaissance Faire. I wish them much enjoyment, and they should be the envy of all the other clans.
I'm hoping to sell my blacksmith's forge to one of the armorers as well, since it is a family heirloom, I want someone who will use it, that's what my grandfather would have wanted. We have begun serious downsizing of our stuff, in preparation for a possible move down the road, if things don't pick up here.
With the sale of the hot tub, we have enough money to stave off a housemate for awhile, and I am back to work in the bakery and my shop space. With luck and determination, I'm hoping to be able to make enough so that we don't have to share the house again. I have yet to come out of a housemate situation without something being broken or stolen. Not sure yet if I'm going straight online, or will be open business hours. Leaning more towards online, that gives me a lot more flexibility to work on bigger projects and maybe travel a bit now that my child rearing days are over. The waiting game is done, time to get moving.
My maternal grandmother was a 16 year old German war bride. I have a feeling she was pushed into marrying my grandfather by her family so she could escape post WWII Germany and the grinding poverty it brought, although Germany has always been considered a fairly poor country. As she died when my mother was 14, we will never know how she felt about being taken away from her family and the only place she knew into a strange new world.
My sister tells a story that was related to her by our mother. Our grandmother would take up our mother when she was a young girl, and tell her "Today we are going to run away." What I knew of my grandfather was that he was a strict but fair man, but I was only 10 when he died. He was fairly well off, they had plenty of food, a nice place to live, and he loved her, but it must not have been enough for her. I don't think she loved him, but again, this is just speculation on my part, from looking at old photos and piecing together the bits and pieces I heard from family members.
I find myself thinking about that simple phrase more and more these days: Today I will run away. I have no where to go, and nothing to support myself with, but depression has been creeping up on me for a while now, and I want to run away. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. A line from the movie The Big Chill also has been in my thoughts lately; "No one ever said it would be fun. At least... no one ever said it to me."
I'm stuck in limbo. I thought after Walker turned 18 and graduated, life would be better, no more school to deal with, no more ex. Child support gone is a problem. Since I am stuck in that place between not being well enough to work, and not being sick enough to get benefits, I'm pretty much screwed. I am dependent on someone to support me, but when that person, no matter how much affection you feel for them, has little ambition and doesn't mind living in lower middle class poverty, it feels like a prison.
Education is pretty much closed to me. I wanted to be an anthropologist. As I sailed along in college when i was younger, I knew at that time I would have to have a PhD, or even a double doc to make it in my chosen field. It seemed to be an obtainable goal at the time. My ex abused me emotionally and psychologically (A fact which he denies to this day, despite the several docs and therapists who have confirmed it.), and I was coerced into quitting school and having a child. Then came the adultery and other things I won't go into here, and eventually the divorce, which he refused to pay the amount child support he was supposed to, and since I was unemployed, I couldn't get a lawyer to fight him, and ended up being screwed over by a cocaine addicted excuse for an attorney. My family refused to help because they thought the ex was wonderful and I was just a crazy ungrateful bitch, and I was on my own. Now, at 50, any degree I can get is all in liberal arts, and worthless, even if I could find the money to go, and still wouldn't be able to work even if I could find a job.
I have no clue what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am a passable chef and baker, but physically unable to work in the food industry. I have artistic leanings, but can't get motivated to write or do much of anything. I suck at business, so that's out. We are probably going to have to deal with a housemate for the rest of our lives, as long as we live in Austin, because without one, we can either pay the house payment, or eat. Running through my head over and over is my sister's voice talking about our grandmother, "Today we will run away." I can't run away, I have 6 cats and 3 dogs, a mortgage that is grinding me into the dirt, thanks to the city of Austin raising taxes and utility costs to the point that the working poor are being forced out of their homes. Like my grandmother, I have a husband who loves me, and does work, but it is no longer enough. I want to run away. I do not know to where, or what I would even do when I got there, maybe I would just keep running. But today, and every day for some time now, I want to run away. I don't see that changing. Maybe this was why my mother was such a hateful bitter woman. Maybe she wanted to run away, and never could get up the courage, energy, or whatever it would take. I don't want to be her, but I find myself slipping into that role more and more with every passing day. Is this my life for the next 30+ years?
Now I understand you Grandmother. I understand on a level I never did before. Today I want to run away. Away from my falling apart house, my boring life of unending housework and poverty. Away from the filth that springs up almost like magic. (Nothing like vacuuming and turning from putting up the vacuum cleaner to see a double fist sized hair and dirt tumbleweed that was NOT there the minute before.) Away from this city that has become an extension of the California nanny state in nearly every way. Away from being sick and unable to afford to see a doctor despite having insurance, or even find one who is interested in treating people, not pushing pills to get an easy fat paycheck. (Do they even exist any more?) Just away.
